A 'suggestion"; Try to keep what you have ~ Write a personal note!

*This is a note I NEEDED to write; I prefer "face to face" conversation;

Dear Laura (My Loving Wife);

You're absolutely right " You've said it many times before. Actions speak louder than words.", That's a two way street!

" You're absolutely right " It wasn't very long ago that you said you made up your mind to trust me and you finally realized that I love you because I have stood by your side through everything that we've been through.  I know it isn't " just "me" going through this injury.

And if you logically look at everything for the last (7) seven years I've tried my best to give as much as I can, I can't see how you think anyone with an injury like mine could do any better. However, my mood, my anger aren't combined and I can't control it... Yet!

Have you ever thought "this Man NEVER gets a break from his pain"?) - At one time have I proven or have pushed myself? This a redundant question I'm faced with EVERYDAY that being the Man I was and what this injury has done to me and our Family. I've proven to be the Man that cares, NO matter what others may think or do, I'm the best I can be for everyone involved. I'd much rather be working and playing but that's NOT an option - ButI'm constantly striving, trying to push past my injury - an Injury that even the Government says "this man can NOT work". Just hearing or knowing that by its self hurts, now try to imagine how I feel about what this Damn Permanent and total loss has done to me! In my life, mind and family. Is there anything there I'm proud of? Is there any part of this you "Think in your mind" I want?

I asked you to speak to me so we could "TALK - Faceto Face", not just write words. However, maybe me trying to write you back will help you and I better. I'm yet trying again to conform to YOUR wishes, while my request is denied. This is never going away! " I know that I love you with all my heart.  If I could hear this one or two times on a "bad day" or out of the blue, I'd be a secure and much happier husband.

I do my best to include you and give you every respect to express your ideas and opinions as I believe a husband and wife should. An extremely good "Partnership", I have your back and best interests in mind and hope that you afford me the same ( I believe you certainly help me, but together we could get much more done, done well, by helping eachother!).  At the same time the"Husband", Dad and "Stepfather" Dynamic will be hopefully realized, respected and not treated as something that "was" .

I'm not just a "problem solver" or "extra weight" that I feel ashamed of or constantly have to apologize for, and at the same time I may not be right, but at very least I try my best for my family. Most families in our position, although disadvantaged to a degree,would still be honored and proud. Does my family know that this is no fault of theirs or mine? I consider my injury to be noble.  In the most stern words I can think of; "I did NOT ask for this injury (there is no question of Tort) and I do not enjoy being trapped in this "permanently" damaged body, this prison. I try my best everyday regardless of another's idea of how I should feel, this is MY body".

Besides opinions of others, I deal with issues I don't speak of, I don't want pity in any way; I want RESPECT, to be thought of with a kind heart and love. I want to know we all have a good life together and all needs are taken care of, everything a "normal man" would want for his family. I deserve nothing less.

All of what I've said, although true, I'm far from being perfect, I know my vulnerabilities, (intensified) insecurities and the cautious thoughts that are naturally inherent with my unwanted injury. I'm not oblivious to your feelings and I tell you what I'm thinking of so you not only know I'm aware but that I care about you so much. For the rest of our lives..  We draw from our past andas we've both agree "Everyone remembers the bad events of our past because it hurts so much".

I think I bent your ear enough trying to "explain my thoughts" it really deserves more attention but you need me to do somethings. If there's anything you could "take away from this I'd pray you know that I do love you, I do love our family and I know NONE of us deserve any of this "Nightmare". I have to live with it regardless, I've lost more than anyone however, don't pity me, love me and support me by telling me more often. Hug me, hold my hand and even if I can't go somewhere know that I wish I could (it doesn't make me happy to be alone in pain but I'd rather make my pain stay with ME and not affect  you having the opportunity to go out to a family function, lunch or dinner, Concert, Amusement Park ETC. I'd wait for you and think of your smiles, memories that you'll never be able repeat at this time in your life. Grab everything you can, I want you to be happy ~ I've always worked hard to make sure you're happy. Please think of me, not to just "check in" but to say "I love you" and hopefully,"We're having a real good time!" - "I really wish you were here but it's okay." Try to imagine if it was you stuck in a body that isn't just a body, it's a cruel prison. That would help me coupe, that's all I need (maybe some pictures would be nice too.)