A life full of serious, uncontrollable pain is an obstacle one must try overcome.

 Because of money and politics, some, if not all, try to kick a man down when his intentions are perfectly honorable. They cut corners and play the old political ways of problem solving. They control the media at their instant grasp doesn't help anyone in the public eye. That alone should speak loudly to any God fearing patriot. We have been, and are now, a nation of "wanting to judge others".  I can't understand what or why we were thinking during that period of time, when we allowed the state to fill our Media with opinionated journalism from gossips whom only tell "their truths", just to bury an honest public servants. Most laugh it off and side with whatever is spoken or heard of form a news outlet. So many people these days have forgotten the "Golden Rule"; Believe half of what you see, nothing of what you hear.  Now, it appears, a lot of people have put ethics and morals on the back burner in order to feel superior to public servants injured in the line of duty. The people now covet the money or lives of others, not realizing how content they could be within their own lifestyle; who would want my life of pain? I can honestly say; "I don't want this life!"
I wonder how people, in politically held offices, can put a value on a Officers life. As an Officer, your main function isn't an elected position, it's being an public servant. I went into Law Enforcement to enjoy the stability of a job that's honorable, yet para-military (because I know and enjoy the job. I left Cardio-Thoracic surgery behind after twenty years of extreme pressure and lost time with my own family to do so.
Being an Officer, although stressful, never rose to the commitment or academic endeavors required in the surgeries I was involved in. Most Officers I met never attended college or any serious secondary training. In that, I feel the system has failed most Law Enforcement Officers, it has left them exposed to so many personal interpretations of the CPL and declining laws that are put in place for Officer safety. As an Officer you hear; "be careful not to fall in with the wrong crowd" and "Don't ever throw your partner or any other Officer under the bus" (As if dealing with the criminal element stressors ween't enough) now you have to worry about how others see you as being a "Team Player".

"Always be there for your Brother's because someday it may be you that needs the help".

Our County, the capitol of New York State, Albany is "self insured".

Looking back now after being through such a life changing obstacle I can report what I've lost:
*My wife of 21 years...

Everything I tried so diligently to hold on to and help succeed.

I need to "Discuss" medication's and Pain Management!

We "Need to KNOW"!
Depending on your injury and prognosis the gauntlet of medication's available are endless! They're regulated and depending on the state you live in, the resources and availability is limited.
Firstly; you need to remember two VERY important points; 1.) Your personal chemistry is different than other people. 2.) Your injury isn't the same as other's. Looking at these issue's appears to be clear but it's NOT that easy to understand.
I've been asked, told and questioned by countless numbers of people regarding "What kind of medication they should take?" and told "I don't want to take medication because I don't want to become addicted". Valid question's and points, however you need to know that you're treating an injury that only you can feel. The idea that a person can say "they know your pain" is an assumption not reality. If you haven't experienced the insults of family, friends or even strangers; I'd say you are in a small community and people know your strength's, but if not I warn you, people judge constantly; they push you without any thought that you're in severe pain.

~ Addiction ~
Approaching this term "addiction" is so non-specific, you have to see there are two types (three really); 1.) Physical addiction: This is where your body and brain takes over. You can't decide that you're NOT addicted to most narcotic's. The physical reactions are apparent and again vary by personal body chemistry. They can include all the warnings that come with your medication from the pharmacy so *PLEASE , read that paperwork and ask several physicians for their opinion.  You need to know what to look out for. Even some fruits can cause troubles, so read and share what you've learned with whomever prepares your food or lives with you. Keep a list of your medications in your wallet so if ever in an accident the responders have a clue and don't accidentally give you a medication that can cause disaster!

We touched on physical addiction's and I'd like to tell you "It's not bad to take medication that you need to be comfortable!" Personally, I don't get any feeling's of euphoria or "goofy actions/thoughts", I stick to my Doctor's advice and provide feedback to him regarding my pain levels. It took a long time to get the right combination of medication that I found helpful for me. Speak to your doctors and tell them if any medication is making you feel strange or out of control. The goal is to contain the pain to a tolerable level. This is the perfect segue to talk about Psychological addiction.

"Thinking you NEED a Medication"

It's hard to tell sometimes if you're physically addicted or it's "all in your head". Some of you may of heard this before... Some medication's can be complex, they can interact with receptor's in your brain and organs. However there are some medications that are not physically addictive. Most people I've talked to that say they "are addicted" to a particular medication that I know aren't "physically addictive" require psychological help. There is no shame in getting help when dealing with these issues. The we all need to look out for the Doctor or PA giving you a medications when only meeting you once for  five to ten minutes. Tread lightly and keep your eyes open!

I pray you and everything you care about is safe and in order.

I can't figure out what is worse.... What is happening to me now or my physical injury...

Been a while since I stopped in here last and a few things have gone on...

First regarding Workers Compensation: I was scheduled to have a hearing on Valentine's day and we had a pretty good storm up here that dumped 2 and a half feet of snow! They were still going to have court so my lawyer decided he'd stand in my place so I didn't have to risk my life driving to the city. Turned out my lawyer says he thinks he worked everything out with the county attorney and they're supposed to give me a 90% disability rating -

I have no idea how he got them to agree to that but like I told you guys before... If you think you have a lousy attorney - For God's sake (mostly yours) get a new lawyer now! Before you end up getting sand bagged! I have a link to my attorney and if you're in NY use it! I'm impressed!

We sold our house and are going to close on it next week... Kind of bitter sweet - I really liked this house and mostly being on the river. My wife is happy though - very happy - she can't wait to move..I swear everything I need has been packed away somewhere! 

It's odd - I went from being the strongest to this... What a complete life change.

my pic

"Before my Injury"

You'll never win ANYTHING! Look what's next...

A while ago I got a letter from the Sheriff saying he "created" a position for me; where I can go back to work. This most likely will happen to you! This happends when the Insurance company tries to dismiss and discredit the employee. Yes, they've tried to do this to me in the past even with the definite diagnosis (about 2 years ago) What they don't understand is "I wish I could work!"
 Just about a month before my "second" surgery... I sent them back a "certified" letter from my Doctor, just as their letter was "dated and Certified" here in Stillwater, N.Y.. I had to have my doctor write them a letter stating why I couldn't work any longer... (Be prepared!) Based on the IME doctors report that I'm to respond in (7) seven days (business days I hope - because of Veterans day).Well the next step is to go to my PCP again and "fight the fight of my life!" - they threaten to take away my 207-c benefits, my job - everything because I was injured in the line of duty. If I/you don't have enough of an "excuse" to why we can't handle the job they say they've created...

I'm so blackened in my soul by all this political garbage and I can't wait until I can carry on with my life without having this threat hanging over my head... Hanging over my family's head - I mean I'll lose everything... everything... Most of what I have now is what I earned in the 20+ years in surgery, I did as a job. I'm hopeful that I can get things done with my primary care physician and they'll back off! But how long will it be before they start again? I know that's a redundant and rhetorical question but the power they have to break a man, afamily is enormous!  I legally have to find a way to keep them off my back. Here is the real question... How can I get them to understand! The Judge at Workers Comp said I have a "marked permanent partial disability" - you'd think the Sheriff would read that but no... Instead he reads the biased report the "insurance company paid" IME doctor writes (based on the "insurance company paid" private investigator's report... I don't understand how they don't take the word of my Primary Doctor... My Doctor is the one person who I've seen once a month (some times more) since I was injured in 04'. I hear of other Officer's getting settlements and then I hear of others getting nothing... You can't really put a price on a spine though, this will never get better. I've seen some actually hurt and in need and I've seen some who could possibly work! (but that's just an outside observation - I have learned not to judge others - unless they tell me!). It's so easy to make an assumption... I dislike all the people who "worked the system" , you know - the "bad apples". So, in response the insurance companies hiring people to spy on you, they create positions for people to discredit Officer's even within the department while an Officer does his/her job! The difference is Officer's make the news and civilian's aren't as "news worthy".

Honestly, we're public employees, servant's and we're held to a higher standard and level of scrutiny (I do NOT want to be NEWS!) and when the "Paid Insurance lawyers" say in court "You're a fraud" or even nod or smirk to insinuate that my pain isn't real, I really wish they felt my pain... Even though, I know they can't - I hope they stop because this is my life and my corner keeps getting smaller and smaller... You know it's sad when the highlight of your day is a new pillow for the couch so you can lay a bit more comfortably or some new slippers - and I can't tell you how many sets of sheets I have!

It's sad, they don't let me even have time to deal with this injury on my own terms... I'm just a number and a warm body to fill a position that means everything to the public but nothing to the people put in charge. All they see is money!

God help us and God help them understand - Even if they don't believe in a God -This can't be the test We've been put on this earth for... I know the Lord has great things for us to do and experience! We have an
entire life to accomplish
& a family to share it with!

I'd be so disappointed if my life ended to this corruption and disgusting misuse of power! I knew I won nothing! I think it would make me feel like I didn't do my part and I should of stood up to them as I do for my family.


Some of things I didn't "win" were: the "portable scooter" and the "Sleep number adjustable bed". I did learn though that if you have been "denied" by Workers Compensation and you still carry regular insurance -- your regular insurance will pay for the scooter but here's the weird part... The insurance company won't pay for a way to carry the scooter... I'm talking to another "Spinal cord injury patient" and there is a way to get everything taken care of... I'll post all the details once I get into it deeper. Okay I looked into it farther and here's the update: The regular Insurance company is going to deny you so if you can ~ get it and worry about it afterwards... Even if you have to put it on credit - go ahead because you're letting life go by just because the system failed you, forget for a minute that you don't feel up to much because your sleep is so disturbed (sound familiar?) you need to experience life and to do that you need to do something other than complain - you have to talk to your spouse and make a decision.

What's going on NOW?

My immediate family is still busy - too busy; I really don't think they understand like they should. On the other hand my wife's family has their own burden's but they still try to help as they can. I understand but boy it's hard when I was the one who was there for them... Winter is coming (again) and it doesn't look like it's going to easy...

I won - but - I lost at the same time...
As I mentioned I won my W/C case with an award of Permanent Partial Disability ~ I'm looking at all of my options where I can get help and I'm persuing my life as usual. I'm not done living! And I'm ready to move on with the rest of my life... Having a Spinal Cord Injury (SCI) has so many organizations! I have a pamphlet that has a list of links and contacts that may be useful to other people here who have the abiliy to find my site... If you need help don't waste your time ~ get as good as you can get!

Your honesty and integrity ALWAYS counts!

This is what the Permanently Disabled go through...

Many times it's essential to get an opinion from a social worker, psychologist or a psychologist that is held in high regard, you have to protect yourself. It's not a stigma that you put on yourself, you didn't ask to be in this condition, for seeking out the help and in fact it proves you're not okay with living this new lifestyle. It shows your doctors and the other medical professionals that you're serious and the trauma of people not seeing your pain is hard for you. It explains to the people that matter legally and personally to you. Not only does it prove your intent but it also helps you deal with this new life sytle; you weren't trained for. You didn't ask for this and you have to remember that when you're being attacked, it's harder than you think!

You have to face the facts that the Insurance companies use the same tactics the best law enforment departments do. (It's BIG MONEY). The obvious is certain ~ video tape, surveilence, look and ask neighbors and try to protect their policy holders from fraudulent people who want to trick the system. If you're not injured I'd strongly advise you not to cross that line of fraud. People will force you out; you and only will it ruin your career but Worst of all you would and will have tainted your very essence and effect the opinions of people around you. I understand that it doesn't make people any better for judging you but, rest assured, they will and if you are hurt; the simple looks from people who don't see your pain will bother you. Once again another reason to talk to a medical professional (NO-ONE who's never experienced it would have a clue ~ A TON of speculation, Speculation and; lying - you have to learn your own way to deal). It will help you understand how people think. They see you walking, smiling, interacting with others and enjoying life while deep inside or just under the surface you're barely hanging on, hoping to go home and get off your feet, lay down and rest up to face another day.

I have to admit my familyand Brother's used to invite me quite often to play cards or to a party; enjoy events, interact with them but sadly ~ I have to decline because I just hurt!
I can't justify or feel good about using time I could of spent on cleaning up the garage or yard (Trying my best) is even considered or respected. I'm doing the right thing and doing my absolute and I'm puzzled they don't stop by and pitch in. I know they have friends that have troubles so with that in mind I can't fathom why they act like I'm not allowed to have the injury I do. Maybe someday it will come across and they will see everything is more real than they thought.

Its October 1st, 2008 and even though I'm still in the same (if not worse) pain I have positive things in my life too. I like to post the right's of the injured Officer's and; families of the Officer's lost in the line of duty.

OMG its- August of 2009 now! Above I wrote in 2008, However it still APPLIES!
To spend good time aive is a blessing, even though I'm in this condition, I love being here for my children and my wife. When every thing is under a microscope and the world is still I can still inhale and make a cognitive decision regarding life. I'm blessed but its hard because the pain is non-stop, relentless and it keeps me awake and on medication that takes the upper edge off - that's it ~ Sound familiar? (YES! 2009) WBoldhat they initially called a pulled muscle (2004) turned out to be a "Burst fracture" of my spine and has pierced my spinal cords, nerves and severed some spinal nerves (honestly I think I still have pieces of bone still in ther causing more pain/damage. But I don't give up! You shouldn't give up either. keep your focus and remember that you're responsible for one thing and one thing only and that is your family! That means you have to be wise and cautious, tolerant and above all careful - you're one step away from being paralyzed. Now I've thought about this and I have to say 86% of the time I really wish I didn''t feel the pain but then I think that I really don't want anyone wiping my buttocks. I think you understand...

Just remember to always keep your guard up and do the best you can as you can - you're only human and if you're anything like me you'd rather be working and playing outside doing the "Man Things" I so enjoyed!

If you can really think of the pro's and con's of your situation and try not to put your pain first, try... think of your family and re-think your obligations and your responsibilities ~ they're the only thing that matter! (Thanks - That helps this issue! Now I'm really screwed up! 2009!)

More to say but I haven't Slept For 28+ hours... it's 4am Damnit! Good Night.

Answering a question that's been buried in my blog...

I Get it... They try to break down
your family infrastructure!
I'm so sick of being slow, tired and not the way I was... I've been told that I've created my own "Pity party" by my own blood... (some day we'll laugh)... To this I don't even have words and I can't hold it against him or them.... I can't expect him or my other brothers to know this pain (I never knew of it myself) so I have decided to remove them from my fight and deal with this alone. I really don't care to explain it, I've tried enough. The PTSD is something I can't understand but I can live with that also. I am strong... I may not have my physical being I carried five plus years ago but I'm still a man and I can say "To hell with it" as good, if not better, than the next victim. What I've learned in the past and experienced still belongs to me and what I am learning and I'm living is another experience that can not be taken away.

I got some questions today from an "Anonymous" reader of my Blog.

"How did you get injured? Was it in the Line of Duty? Were you shot?"
The answers are:

No I didn't get shot, I didn't even know at the time I got injured! I remember having to stop a 34 year old "gang banger" I picked him up and stopped him from hurting himself or anyone else (or so I thought). Later while I was writing out the use of force paper work I felt like I pulled a back muscle, it turned out to be much more and that weekend I spent in an Urgent care facility and getting an MRI. Well to make a long story short, reality TV wouldn't bother with my story. To me the actual incident was boring and uneventful, everything seemed like it was in slow motion. Some things I can't post in here but really it was just like I said before "everything was slow motion". Since then I've been able to gain a better perspective on the entire situation.
The PTSD, life and the pain I've endured over the last 5 years (+) have me taking things off the blog and then putting them back on. After (2) major back surgeries my answers are full of raw experience.

~From here on is Thanksgiving and Christmas ~

I have to say the last few weeks have been full of adventure. Christmas is over and everyone's happy, I was worried because money was so tight. I've been more honest with my injury and have made some huge decisions to go forward with reaching my maximum activities of daily living. Step one is to have the hardware removed (maybe) and then hopefully getting the electrical stimulator implanted to stop this pain or at least dull it. I looked into it with my surgeon and after consulting with him and him saying "I can't say either way if it would help you having the hardware removed or not" was an eye opener! I can't imagine it being worse but I know anythiing is possible!

My pain has gotten worse as I've begun to be more active and try to prepare for winter and start an exercise program at the YMCA. I'm pretty limited at what activities I can do but it sure is nice to have a choice and get out of the house! I had cabin fever all since the fall season and it appears as if the winter is going to be a heavy, snow filled, cold one. This I FEEL in my bones is going to be true!

I still haven't heard from anyone at work, I did have an Officer call me and say the Union referred him to me for some help. I guess everyone has their own path they have to choose to be involved or not.

I am still feeling the same - some days a lot worse than others. I want to move to California and get away from the humidity and cold weather! I know it's a matter of days before my wife decides she has had enough, I'll be alone and on my way. Oh to just feel the sun on my face with the dry air - I know it could only be beneficial for my health and my body. I can picture myself on a pier with my wheel chair fishing the days and nights away. No one stalking me and no one bothering me. I need the peace.

Happy Holiday's! (2009) *UPDATE: Its' Aug 06 2009 and it's finally SUMMER!)


This is one of the most updated sites I've found that offer positions to you young Bucks who have the fire in them and ability to move nation wide! It's no surprise that with the recession or economic down turn - how ever you choose to look at our society at this current time (Thank you President #43!) Civil servants will be needed now more than ever. I must warn you of some trouble spots that, if you're not at the "VERY TOP OF YOUR GAME" you need to stay away from!
  • Oakland, California
  • Orange County, California
  • Lower New York (The Burrough's of NY) including Queen's, Brooklyn ETC...
  • The Southern zone and borders of Texas
  • All of Florida!
***The idea is to find an area YOU know or WANT to live! And to survive on the pay, it may not be conducive to you being able to survive as crime is going to hit us like a Tsumami and the cost of living going to cause rational people to do irrational things. It is experience that makes you a better Officer, as you spend your time in the trenches! After years, promotions and tradgedies that propel your seniority (you'll be required to belong to a Union and you have NO choice!


~ This was so hard to do - but you have to! ~

~ If you're in N.Y. you need a Lawyer & Psychologist ~
~If you don't they'll steal your life worse than they have already~
Mr Henry has been treated by prior psychiatrists and prior counselors. He saw me on 6/18/07.To this point I have seen Mr. Henry alone for a 90-minute interview, and I have seen him with his wife for a 60-minute interview. I have also talked with him on two occasions on the phone to gather information and evaluate the effects of medication I have prescribed.
I will not attempt to summarize this man's orthopedic treatment, as it is well summarized in the medical record. It is clear from the fact that he has had a number of surgeries and a number of IMEs supporting his disability that he has severe back injury, complications from the surgery, surgical revisions and continues with ongoing problems.At this point Mr. Henry presents markedly depressed with an irritable, paranoid flavor. He is hesitant to disclose or do things fearing continued videotaping of his activities by the compensation insurer. In his mind his actions have been misinterpreted such that his attempts to do well have been construed as him not having a disability. This persecutory view is supported by the report of the investigation firm provided to me.In fact Mr. Henry has lost his ability to do many of his prior activities and has problems walking, most evidenced by severe pain subsequent to attempts to perform activities. Psychiatrically he has multiple symptoms of depression, which qualify him psychiatrically for a diagnosis of major depression, single episode, chronic, severe (DSM-IV-R: Axis I: #296.23).Specifically in relation to his major depressive episode, this man presents with insomnia on a nightly basis, which may in part be due to his pain, but he also has concurrent excessive sleeping during the day. He is psychomotor slowed despite his hyper-vigilance and irritability. He complains of fatigue and lack of energy and loss of interest in most activities daily. He gets little pleasure out of even activities he can accomplish. An excellent example of this is his lack of enjoyment of and loss of taste of food even when it is well prepared, and obviously even when eating is an activity that his back injury does not effect. His weight has varied up and down with his activity level. He subjectively is depressed on an essentially daily basis, feeling hopeless and worthless. Although he denies such, his wife describes him as tearful frequently. He experiences concentration problems, frustration, and trouble making decisions.He concurrently does appear to have marked irritability and experiences heightened reactivity when the traumatic event, namely the injury and the subsequent insurers and investigators actions such as being videotaped by the insurance company, are discussed. He has nightmares about being followed, being accused of lying and being videotaped. He is enraged that there have been comments in the videotape summary, making reference to his wife. He feels that this is clearly an invasion of privacy and feels violated by the process. He has experienced avoidance of stimuli associated with the traumas, namely he has avoided activities that arouse recollection of the videotaping. For a while he was living with his blinds closed and avoided going out. He also unfortunately, for a period of time, was avoiding attempting most activities out of fear that the reports from the investigators would be used against him. He has suffered marked loss of interest. He does not participate in many activities that he can still do with the family. As mentioned above, he has difficulty concentrating, marked irritability at times, intrusive argumentative interactions, and hyper vigilance.Clearly the above symptomatology meets the DSM-IV criteria not only for major depression but a superimposed post-traumatic stress disorder, which in fact is more related to the events of being observed and videotaped than his initial injury.
When I initially saw Mr. Henry, the mental status examination revealed an oriented, alert and cooperative man who spoke in soft, monotone speech with psychomotor slowing, and long response latency. In addition he was hyper-alert and irritable. He made good eye contact after an initial period of time. His appearance was clean. His affect was flat and constricted. His mood was depressed, sad, hopeless, angry and irritable. He was self-blaming and self¬-depreciating for not being able to be the man of the family. He experiences little enjoyment in life. Thinking was generally linear, but he experienced racing, ruminative thought intrusion. He obsessed about his somatic issues and about his ongoing conflicts with the insurer, mostly focused on his privacy being invaded and being videotaped especially through the windows of his home. There were no delusions, but there was a persecutory preoccupation (which certainly after having read the summaries from the investigators of which I was provided copies, was reasonable). I felt these symptoms to be post traumatic and within understandable but pathologic range for what he has been through. His cognitive function was grossly intact. His insight and judgment was grossly normal. There was no suicidal or homicidal ideation.
Diagnosis for this man is DSM-IV:
Axis I: (296.23) Major depression single episode, chronic, severe.
Axis II: (309.81) Post-traumatic stress disorder with the initial stressor being the injury but subsequent stressors being feeling vulnerable and violated by the surveillance.
Axis III: Reveals no identifiable diagnosis.Axis IV:Back injury with chronic pain syndrome.
Axis V:Reveals multiple stressors in multiple areas.
GAF 42.Treatment Issues: The patient has been treated by a counselor and at least two psychiatrists: Manuel Astruc in Saratoga Springs, and Kevin George in Albany, New York. Medications generally have not helped and in fact often have resulted in a worsening mentally.Because of the issues of his PTSD and specifically the private investigators involvement, I reviewed a copy of the report of July 12, 2004 sent to PMA Claims in Lehigh Valley, Pennsylvania from Mark A. Kelly, Private Investigator and Associates in Clifton Park. While I will not discuss this here in detail, I think that it is important to consider the tone of this document in the patient's psychiatric status, since it relates to his paranoia.Overall the report from my point of view is problematic in the sense that there are medical and psychiatric assumptions made from the observations. Assuming the observations are accurate, the investigator has expanded his report to assumptions about the patients ability to function and medical and psychiatric state.I think a good example of this is in the report of August 15th, which makes reference to August 8, 2006. At 7 AM surveillance was initiated at the claims residence. His new Dodge Durango was parked at the residence. Later on they say at 1:14 PM the claimant exited the residence and departed in the Durango. He drove directly to the Stillwater Post Office where he entered inside using a cane. Within moments he exited with mail in his right hand and the cane in his left hand. He climbed back up into the "high-sitting SUV fluently" and departed. I think this is evidence of one of literally dozens, if not hundreds, of problems with this material. First a minor point namely from how far away can you judge "fluidity" and what does this word mean in this context. Emphasizing the height of the SUV gives the implication that somehow it was an indication that this man was more functional than he claimed because he could get up and down.This actually only shows that the investigator was neither an expert but only was trying to work in expert medical interpretation and has never had a back problem. He does not realize that for many patients with back injuries the more sturdy, straight seats of SUVs and the stepping up and stepping down much like a stairway rather than swinging in and dropping down to a seat, is much less painful and leads to much less pain later in the day. There are numerous examples of such leading material through this report.One of the examples of what the patient finds especially enraging, and I think rightfully so, is a comment in the report about Mrs. Henry in her pajamas. What relevance could Mrs. Henry being outside in her PJs have to Mr. Henry condition?? Unless it was evidence he could not function and she had to do things which is not the implication in this report. There is also at least one comment about people moving about within the house and can be observed thru the window. The implication was that it was the client without clear definition of what he was doing or even clear identification.
Be that as it may, I think much of the material in the private investigator's report is focused on interpretations of behaviors which might discredit a client who has clearly had multiple surgeries, surgical revisions and without doubt has substantial pain, which has been documented medically. This in part contributes to my patients post-traumatic stress issues; his feelings that he is being persecuted and watched. Quite frankly this insurance company behavior has deteriorated him psychologically to some extent. Attempts to do well and go out and live a normal life have been undercut by negative implications that he might have gone to a campground or tried to enjoy anything. In short, this man, according to the insurance company, is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't, and this has made a very difficult situation in reference to treatment.What is clear here is this man is severely depressed, highly reactive to stimuli and meets the criteria for both major depression and post-traumatic stress. His orthopedic difficulties appear well documented with surgery that failed, revisions of surgery and ongoing difficulties. Attempts that would psychologically be positive in terms of trying to do what he can are thwarted by his paranoia about being accused of lying or faking, especially because of not just the videotaping but also the out-of-context interpretation of the results.It is my opinion that Mr. Henry is totally disabled on psychiatric grounds separate from but secondary to his orthopedic injury.
Ralph L Berry III, MDDiplomat American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology Workers Compensation Board Certification #CPN-P 122920
*This document, this report, bought tears to my eyes... First time in 3 1/2 years since I felt such emotion.
**I'm very lucky to find a Doctor whom has insight and ability


A 'suggestion"; Try to keep what you have ~ Write a personal note!

*This is a note I NEEDED to write; I prefer "face to face" conversation;

Dear Laura (My Loving Wife);

You're absolutely right " You've said it many times before. Actions speak louder than words.", That's a two way street!

" You're absolutely right " It wasn't very long ago that you said you made up your mind to trust me and you finally realized that I love you because I have stood by your side through everything that we've been through.  I know it isn't " just "me" going through this injury.

And if you logically look at everything for the last (7) seven years I've tried my best to give as much as I can, I can't see how you think anyone with an injury like mine could do any better. However, my mood, my anger aren't combined and I can't control it... Yet!

Have you ever thought "this Man NEVER gets a break from his pain"?) - At one time have I proven or have pushed myself? This a redundant question I'm faced with EVERYDAY that being the Man I was and what this injury has done to me and our Family. I've proven to be the Man that cares, NO matter what others may think or do, I'm the best I can be for everyone involved. I'd much rather be working and playing but that's NOT an option - ButI'm constantly striving, trying to push past my injury - an Injury that even the Government says "this man can NOT work". Just hearing or knowing that by its self hurts, now try to imagine how I feel about what this Damn Permanent and total loss has done to me! In my life, mind and family. Is there anything there I'm proud of? Is there any part of this you "Think in your mind" I want?

I asked you to speak to me so we could "TALK - Faceto Face", not just write words. However, maybe me trying to write you back will help you and I better. I'm yet trying again to conform to YOUR wishes, while my request is denied. This is never going away! " I know that I love you with all my heart.  If I could hear this one or two times on a "bad day" or out of the blue, I'd be a secure and much happier husband.

I do my best to include you and give you every respect to express your ideas and opinions as I believe a husband and wife should. An extremely good "Partnership", I have your back and best interests in mind and hope that you afford me the same ( I believe you certainly help me, but together we could get much more done, done well, by helping eachother!).  At the same time the"Husband", Dad and "Stepfather" Dynamic will be hopefully realized, respected and not treated as something that "was" .

I'm not just a "problem solver" or "extra weight" that I feel ashamed of or constantly have to apologize for, and at the same time I may not be right, but at very least I try my best for my family. Most families in our position, although disadvantaged to a degree,would still be honored and proud. Does my family know that this is no fault of theirs or mine? I consider my injury to be noble.  In the most stern words I can think of; "I did NOT ask for this injury (there is no question of Tort) and I do not enjoy being trapped in this "permanently" damaged body, this prison. I try my best everyday regardless of another's idea of how I should feel, this is MY body".

Besides opinions of others, I deal with issues I don't speak of, I don't want pity in any way; I want RESPECT, to be thought of with a kind heart and love. I want to know we all have a good life together and all needs are taken care of, everything a "normal man" would want for his family. I deserve nothing less.

All of what I've said, although true, I'm far from being perfect, I know my vulnerabilities, (intensified) insecurities and the cautious thoughts that are naturally inherent with my unwanted injury. I'm not oblivious to your feelings and I tell you what I'm thinking of so you not only know I'm aware but that I care about you so much. For the rest of our lives..  We draw from our past andas we've both agree "Everyone remembers the bad events of our past because it hurts so much".

I think I bent your ear enough trying to "explain my thoughts" it really deserves more attention but you need me to do somethings. If there's anything you could "take away from this I'd pray you know that I do love you, I do love our family and I know NONE of us deserve any of this "Nightmare". I have to live with it regardless, I've lost more than anyone however, don't pity me, love me and support me by telling me more often. Hug me, hold my hand and even if I can't go somewhere know that I wish I could (it doesn't make me happy to be alone in pain but I'd rather make my pain stay with ME and not affect  you having the opportunity to go out to a family function, lunch or dinner, Concert, Amusement Park ETC. I'd wait for you and think of your smiles, memories that you'll never be able repeat at this time in your life. Grab everything you can, I want you to be happy ~ I've always worked hard to make sure you're happy. Please think of me, not to just "check in" but to say "I love you" and hopefully,"We're having a real good time!" - "I really wish you were here but it's okay." Try to imagine if it was you stuck in a body that isn't just a body, it's a cruel prison. That would help me coupe, that's all I need (maybe some pictures would be nice too.)


The (SCS) Spinal Cord Stimulator is Implanted!

As you all know I have had the operation by now! I'm besides myself! But I have to open a few eyes: NO - the risk of infection is minimal! People who don't know will try and scare you! Read the actual statistics! YES - The battery has to be changed but not until (5) Five years or so from now! The actual charge lasts a week (depending on the amount of use - or - just like any other battery!
Please, if you have any questions, ask me - I have no stake in this to sell you a "product or gimmick". Otherwise, my goal is to help others try not live in such pain and be dependant on narcotics, if you don't need them, DON'T take them it's poison! This has changed my life and I just bet it has or will change yours also!

More to come....


* * * * *Spinal Cord Injured Persons Please Read!* * * * *

"Partial - Permanent" answers to "Permanent Injuries"!

Although, the fight I fear will never end, I've found a few new resources and some plausable answers to our Spinal Cord Injuries. No suspence is necessary so I use the medical terminology you'll need when looking into help for yourself or another casualty of a spinal cord injury and terminal nerve damage . The procedure is called an "SCS" or Spinal Cord Stimulator. Some may tell you that this is "new technology" but actually idea and different tools and implants have changed drastically over the years since 1967! I mention this because I recently saw a segment on "The Dr.s" and they had a visiting Doctor and patient who claimed that this is the "very first time te procedure was ever used in the U.S.". The facts are fuzzy here as all surgical procedures may vary with technique and also with the type of devices, wire, screw and trocar's to implant this "Patented device" that essentially does the same thing is about the money, you've heard it before and you'll hear again, over and over for the rest of your life!

My impression, which is a professional profession by education, training and experience is; the skill of the technician and their supporting staff make their device just that much better than the others! One important bit of advice I can't express more than anything else; it's to follow your instincts and do your homework! Don't expect to just "get lucky" and find a way team of professionals... *You need to get the best device, and support for the device, to follow you after implantation.

Not only do you have to absorb the presentation of the medical professional, it's almost like another language, being told to you out of your comfort zone. Not anything most people are prepared for, even when they're hoping their Doctor is "good" at what he or she does, it's that "blind trust" that has literally opened the eyes of most Americans but unfortuneately not in their time of need. Time and time again we see the abuses made by people in service related positions. In my opinion; the weight of the patient choice falls upon the shoulders. You need to do yoour "homework" Investigate your choices before you even leave your home! Look up these people via google, back ground checks and please, if you're in New York, use the link I provided here on my site; to check and see if your Doctor is under or has been under any medical diciplinary action. Ask friends and family and if you don't understand, ask questions and then if you still don't get it; ask again! *I'm not coming down on all Doctors or medical facilities but in all honesty, after all the "homework" I did, I found a Doctor who i, in my book, way below par andI paid the price!

Back to where I am now (finally)! The "SCS" appears to be a relief! My pain level has been cut, but not in half as suggested, more like 10% and I look forward to dropping the medication! *Remember; Medication or Narcotics are Poison! Your blood vessels aren't built for these drugs or any other drugs really. If people only knew what the plaque build up does they may consider the choices they make... It isn't like a food diet as the foods are broken down and filtered. The toxins, mostly are removed naturally. So please, just try to think how your decisions are affecting you and your family and the time you have left on this earth. **That wasn't a rant it's a real warning!** I can personally ratify and confirm the following: Martin G. Ferillo DO who belongs with The Albany Center for Pain Management (also located in Saratoga Springs, NY) Here's a link: and the (SCS) Spinal Cord Stimulator vendor; Boston Scientific makers of the PRECISION Plus and Paul Notar (Field Sales Trainer Neuromodulation) These people I can tell you from direct knowlegde of their services and personal care.

More to come after the surgery!


Permanently Disabled from a "Line of duty" Injury

                ~ Injured in the "Line of Duty" ~March 20th 2004
            (My "new" Life ~ My "Prison")

    I've always been motivated and focused to do my job, always 100%; in my world there's no such thing as 110% I know many whom feel the same. Although, it's not every one's reality or work ethic, I know that I've been blessed to work with some of the hardest, honest and strongest people I'd ever meet during my lifetime and that speaks volumes to their character. From Cardio - Thoracic Surgery (working those long, long Mental hours) to being an LEO, I've been lucky to have had the right people around me. I owe each of them a debt of gratitude for their strength and friendship because I enjoyed whatever job I held and always thought of our team as the best, I knew it and I they knew it too. I hope all people in critical positions try their absolute best. We all know some job's aren't as demanding as the job's I've had in my life; Cardiac surgery was a 20+ year love of mine and now it's Law enforcement. There are so many sub-titles under our positions but after it's all done and it comes to the real facts ~ We are public servants. Oddly enough, knowing my injury is real, it was hard for me to understand the scrutiny and lies the Insurance company would and did employ to discredit me. The fact that no one really came to me personally to see if I'm okay is hard enough. I feel betrayed. I can understand though, at first I didn't even know I was injured! At least not to the extent that I learned after my surgery! About two hours into the "use of force" paperwork my back started to get stiff, I really hardly noticed it but one of my sergeants asked me if "anyone else was hurt at all"... I had to say "I thought I may have pulled a muscle"... Two and a half years later... and two major spinal surgeries later... My hopes of ever getting back to normal, or being able to hold a job of any kind, are dashed. I can't take care of our house and people still don't understand or care. I've been told that "I've changed for the worse and my outlook on life isn't "fun" anymore". I admit it - I'm not the ball of energy I used to be, but I'm still here! !f I could change my physical situation it would be like I had been in prison and finally released. Objectively, prisoners have it better than I, yes there is danger but they are taken care of... Every need is addressed or can be addressed and acknowledged when a complaint is made. I'm not afforded that without possibly losing something on the back end. My Lawyer says "I've gotten the best possible decision from Workers Comp." I'm not to sure I have because I don't feel the benefit of honor an injured Officer should feel. In fact I feel like I'm not thought of until another Officer is injured and I get a phone call, from an injured Officer, the Union gave my phone number to. It isn't funny at all, but sometimes I feel my life is not my own anymore, I'm treated like a lower class of people I swore to protect society from.

The photo above shows the metal I got (titanium plates, cages and stainless steel screws). Some times I wonder... If I was killed that night... Would my community, employers or Brothers and Sisters respect my service? Would they step up and take care of my family as promised on paper? If you've been seriously injured and haven't been treated poorly, I think you should count your lucky stars!

I decided to share my experiences with past and future Officers looking for help. As you may know by now there aren't many places for injured Officers to go. Sure there are chat rooms, possibly some blogs, but nothing is put in one place for the Officer to look at and apply to without giving blood and way too much information. If you're ever injured in the line of duty, the protection you think you have, for yourself and your family within the law enforcement community isn't as clear or guaranteed as you think (or are told) even if it's on paper! You're about to travel through a living hell. And I'm not just referring to the actual physical pain. I'm still on this road and I have no intention of giving up! I do know how to get some of the information you may need and I have used that can help you get by. If you need help - just post a comment to this blog, it will shoot me a direct email and I'll see what I can find for you. Some things go pretty quickly but in some cases it may take me some time. However - remember I'm injured too, and there are a bunch of people with huge problems and really good questions. There are links on the upper Left and bottom right of this page use them as a resource as I put them their for you!

It's all up to you. You can get involved or just tell your story. I'm here and if you need a hand there are groups of us, however scattered they are effective.

*To be fair to the psychology of warfare and our administrations, maybe the idea of not acknowledging injured or permanently disabled Officers is in line with not showing weakness to the criminals ~ they don't want them to know that they can hurt us. However, this type of thought allows for wide spread abuses by Insurance companies and employees. It all boils down to "it's all about the money" that has been proven by the actions I've experienced, along with so many other Officers. If you believe that insurance companies don't abuse the truth, that they won't twist what your doctor says or unintentionally omits; that they won't twist your information into whatever form they can to arrive at the cheapest way to medically treat you - well you might as well stop reading this blog now. I pray you don't fall into that blind trust, be instinctive and treat it as a business transaction because that's what it is to them and the Judge has the final word. You need to read on and protect yourself; hey you may be one of the "lucky one's", but I doubt it because you're here. I may get lucky and learn something from you!

You have to PROTECT Yourself!

The very first bit of advice I want you to consider is to keep your medical records and information straight. Make copies of eveything and keep binders, files, computer documents, x-rays, MRI'S, CAT scans, scripts for hardware, referrals; anything you can get or request copies of; KEEP! It's best to keep everything chronologically organized also. If you can keep a daily journal with names, dates and phone numbers that's even better. I understand that when you're injured like this the last thing you want to deal with is paperwork, but it's almost necessary to protect yourself and your family. The only up side to it is that you have time to secure everything medically/legally pertinent and it can be done a little at a time, give it an hour a day.

Being injured and labeled "totally and permanently disabled" is the most humbling and embarrassing reality I've ever had to deal with. Most likely by now you've searched the net you've seen the most common mistakes made by Injured Officers. What you may miss are the mistakes made by your doctors ~ Yes, I said doctors... If it's not a misdiagnosis its the way they've documented your care. It's so common for doctors to scribble something down (chicken scratch) not knowing the importance of how things are written could mean delays or in some cases loss of specific benefits. The courts use that scribbled information to determine/deny or approve your benefits, eligibility and degree of care you're entitled to. One simple mistake by your doctor, surgeon, physical therapist or any other medical professional could be a bonanza for the insurance companies lawyer! You need to understand that the lawyers and consultants are paid employees of the Insurance companies and they will say anything to bring up doubt to discredit your case. *Please note: Either those lawyers, Doctors, physical therapist produce a desired result or the Insurance companies don't use them anymore and they're out of a job and can't feed their familiy. That's a cold hard fact. They actually sell books for medical professionals outlining the correct way to document findings in Workers Compensation and SSDI cases, but I've never seen any doctor or medical professional refer or have one of these books on their shelves, except for one! Personally; I've even had the displeasure of having an IME (Independent Medical Exam), performed at the request of the insurance company, chewed apart by the insurance company lawyers and used to delay my initial surgery! I truly believe if I was operated right away or close to it I wouldn't be here typing out this horrific experience.

Know where to put your trust!

I'd like to think of my blog as "common sense" but who could ever think this would ever happen? You're the only one in this mess and the road out of it isn't short and clear, in fact this road isn't on any map and the fog is as thick as peanut butter! You've got to first; Trust your instincts to survive and get the proper care you need and deserve. You can't buy books that clearly tell the doctors how to write their reports for Workers Comp. and I have to say it's a pretty fat chance you're going to get them to read up on it without you stressing that these books are available to them and things need to be written clearly and specifically. Be sure you know where you put your trust! The doctors who represent the insurance companies say they are "neutral" and some will say "I'm not supposed to tell you this but..." And "I will give an honest report." Some of them will even say "I'm not supposed to tell you what I think you should do but..." ***The point you have to always remember there is a direct conflict of interest regardless of their quote "honest opinion" ~ They are paid employees/consultants of the insurance company who's main interest is to deny you and make money. I can't stress this enough... If a doctor doesn't produce the desired result they simply don't give these doctors referrals. I've found most of these doctors are mostly retired, "out of touch" and non-practicing care givers. Ask yourself; "what kind of doctor goes into health care to help an insurance company save money instead of helping patients?" Although totally unethical it's BIG business; although totally unfair; it's plain as the nose on your face ~ it's all about the money! In fact it's illegal for them to give you any advice. Here's where the law enforcement side of your training should kick in... Presidents, Priests, lawyers, doctors and even elementary school teachers shouldn't ever be considered above the law, innocent or non-suspect. Your own administration (Fellow Officer's) will turn their back on you. Please ~ Don't learn this by your own experience, it's way too costly. You're on your own. 

Law's are in place to protect you as well as your employer.

All states have different rules dealing with Worker's Compensation and Municipal law, you have to look it up, ask questions, don't let anything just pass you by and make mistakes that are considered obvious. Follow your doctor's recommendations and if you feel they aren't giving you the proper care... For God's sake go find a doctor who can help you! You are the only person who can judge whether or not you're being treated fairly, but how do you know what's fair unless you've personally experienced this situation? There are many ways to get help; hiring a lawyer is a good First step! In Albany, NY I suggest Alex Dell Esq.. You don't want to hire the lawyer recommended by your work! If you have to travel to some dark "of the map" office and their place of employment looks unorganized don't throw your trusts into that wind, regardless of his/her sales pitch. Honestly, look around you and ask yourself; Is this the person I want representing me? It's your life and they're there to protect your rights. If you don't feel comfortable fire them straight away but don't close that door - you're not in a position to make enemies now. Move on quietly, they all may be connected.

*More to come... I need to rest.

Thursday October 26th, 2006

I haven't been doing so well with my pain. I want/need to get this done but I think this will be a long project. I'm hurting all the time and I'm the only one who feels it! All my hobbies are set aside, everything that used to be fun (for me)  is gone... "Just try your best" is what a good Doctor would say (at the very least) keep all your paperwork, and most of all KEEP YOUR FAMILY TOGETHER!
The reason I admitted the PTSD (in front of God and everyone) is because my life is consumed by fear of losing everything I've worked for including my family. I can feel in my gut someone is watching me. How can anyone with this type of injury; feel so much pain and embarrassment and then... not have PTSD? My employer's insurance company said; "We can't allow people to be treated for PTSD... it would open a Pandora's box". I believe the foregoing quote is called ~ "adding insult to injury!" I wish there was some way to be able to show everyone how this feels, physically and mentally; you can't measure what you lose or anything else that comes with my type of disability. But it all comes down to the Insurance companies adjusters training... They are told to hold back any service that could cost them any money or admit liability - you have to get real and believe these things are going on!

~Russian Roulette~

Here's another point... where I'm totally puzzled... Where are my fellow Brothers and Sisters? Regardless of position, Why don't they rally to help me? Don't they realize... this can happen to them? And rallying to help me could only help them if, and God forbid, they are injured. The only resoning I can come up with is "they don't think it could ever happen to them". I'm ringing a bell, I hope!

This injury, this life... it's so embarrassing. I have two (2) sixteen (16) year old twin step daughter's, a (15) fifteen year old boy, (21) Twenty - one year old son... Why or who would want to be in my position? My life is totally uncertain; and the future, even tomorrow, I never know how I'm going to feel. I had to sell my old house because I can't do the upkeep anymore.

After dealing with this for two and one half or so years (2 1/2), and actually since my last surgery, I've been racking my brain, I've been trying to figure out how or what I can do... What kind of employment is out there for someone who's in pain all the time and unreliable because of this pain? I can't even be reliable as a husband, what should I do??? Who would want this life? Why don't they take care of me like they promised (implied and written)... Am I supposed to feel disgraced?

Above Is a photo of my backyard on the Hudson River Stillwater, N.Y.; to the left is my canoe - A canoe I haven't been able to use!
I'm not having a good day, I need to lay down...

~About the Benefits; if you're "Injured in the Line of Duty"~

You'll see at the top left or bottom right, of this site, several links... I hope you can use them "if you're entitled". It appears that some people have been able to utilize these benefits but you have to meet all the points required for entitlement and it's not a quick and/or guaranteed entitlement. You have to work for it! Trust me I know how it feels - "work" for me now is actually making it through a day! From my bed to the couch. If I'm able to shower and I bend the wrong way it can put me back in bed... if I'm able to get out of bed! Some days are better than others and I do try, you should too... Don't give up and do it a little at a time.

I need to stop for now, my body has become a human barometer! I'm hurting so much right now...

~You're not paranoid... They're really after you!~

I went to see my O.D. and my Orthopedic surgeon since my last post. One medication was bumped up; other than that it was the same as it ever was... However, the appointment with my surgeon was a little different, he actually listened to me a little closer and appeared to be genuinely concerned. As far as my pain goes, there really isn't anything accept remove the screws... And that's just a guess - if I went through with the operation I'd be risking paralysis and it may not work. A risk I'm going to wait on taking... We talked about what the lawyer for the insurance company did at our last hearing; he was trying to belittle and fight with me... Apparently it's an accepted practice. Maybe they thought I'd jump up and smack  "jerk a knot in his tail". My surgeon said, when ever those insurance company lawyer's take his testimony, they attempt to harass and intimidate. Without a medical degree; these lawyers belittle diagnosed injuries. Why doesn't anyone step up and stop them from abusing their position? Sure, some of the benefits owed to the disabled worker's have been paid but - they cut corners, they save money on behalf of the employer's. The injured employee pays when they're allowed to cut these "corners".

~As a matter of written law~

Worker's Compensation was set up to protect the employee and the employer's from binding our legal system and preventing collapse of the businesses in our country because of work related injuries; but obviously the scales are tipped on the side of the employer when it comes to actually assigning compensation to an permanently disabled employee who has lost everything! It's not hard to find the reason why they get away with "low balling" disabled workers; it's all about the money and the only winner is the insurance company.

This is not a scare tactic... It's a fact!

From the Insurance company lawyer's taking advantage of an disabled employee who has no representation to the employees who aren't injured at all. There's always an extreme... But what about the lawyer's for the insurance companies who represent the employer... What stops them from their dishonest practices? What are their ramifications? What I'm trying to say is; "if you don't have a lawyer you can trust, an advocate who knows the laws and the system that can and will swallow you up and spit you out into poverty... Then find a one you can trust NOW! Before it's too late."

 *Family time... Drop me a line, I haven't heard from anyone in a while!