Answering a question that's been buried in my blog...

I Get it... They try to break down

your family infrastructure!

I'm so sick of being slow, tired and not the way I was... I've been told that I've created my own "Pity party" by my own blood... (some day we'll laugh)... To this I don't even have words and I can't hold it against him or them.... I can't expect him or my other brothers to know this pain (I never knew of it myself) so I have decided to remove them from my fight and deal with this alone. I really don't care to explain it, I've tried enough. The PTSD is something I can't understand but I can live with that also. I am strong... I may not have my physical being I carried five plus years ago but I'm still a man and I can say "To hell with it" as good, if not better, than the next victim. What I've learned in the past and experienced still belongs to me and what I am learning and I'm living is another experience that can not be taken away.

I got some questions today from an "Anonymous" reader of my Blog.

"How did you get injured? Was it in the Line of Duty? Were you shot?"

The answers are:

No I didn't get shot, I didn't even know at the time I got injured! I remember having to stop a 34 year old "gang banger" I picked him up and stopped him from hurting himself or anyone else (or so I thought). Later while I was writing out the use of force paper work I felt like I pulled a back muscle, it turned out to be much more and that weekend I spent in an Urgent care facility and getting an MRI. Well to make a long story short, reality TV wouldn't bother with my story. To me the actual incident was boring and uneventful, everything seemed like it was in slow motion. Some things I can't post in here but really it was just like I said before "everything was slow motion". Since then I've been able to gain a better perspective on the entire situation.
The PTSD, life and the pain I've endured over the last 5 years (+) have me taking things off the blog and then putting them back on. After (2) major back surgeries my answers are full of raw experience.

~From here on is Thanksgiving and Christmas ~

I have to say the last few weeks have been full of adventure. Christmas is over and everyone's happy, I was worried because money was so tight. I've been more honest with my injury and have made some huge decisions to go forward with reaching my maximum activities of daily living. Step one is to have the hardware removed (maybe) and then hopefully getting the electrical stimulator implanted to stop this pain or at least dull it. I looked into it with my surgeon and after consulting with him and him saying "I can't say either way if it would help you having the hardware removed or not" was an eye opener! I can't imagine it being worse but I know anythiing is possible!

My pain has gotten worse as I've begun to be more active and try to prepare for winter and start an exercise program at the YMCA. I'm pretty limited at what activities I can do but it sure is nice to have a choice and get out of the house! I had cabin fever all since the fall season and it appears as if the winter is going to be a heavy, snow filled, cold one. This I FEEL in my bones is going to be true!

I still haven't heard from anyone at work, I did have an Officer call me and say the Union referred him to me for some help. I guess everyone has their own path they have to choose to be involved or not.

I am still feeling the same - some days a lot worse than others. I want to move to California and get away from the humidity and cold weather! I know it's a matter of days before my wife decides she has had enough, I'll be alone and on my way. Oh to just feel the sun on my face with the dry air - I know it could only be beneficial for my health and my body. I can picture myself on a pier with my wheel chair fishing the days and nights away. No one stalking me and no one bothering me. I need the peace.

Happy Holiday's! (2009) *UPDATE: Its' Aug 06 2009 and it's finally SUMMER!)

Fraternally;
Russ